Mobilizing your world...while we fuck you in the ass!

Ah the cell phone. Putting porn in the palm of our hands for close to twenty years now. What did we do before cell phones? Remember those cheap flip phones? They were free when you signed a contract. Even iPhones were given out to lure you into contracts. But in this day and age, there are no long term contracts and there are no real incentives to stay with a specific cell phone company. So what does being loyal to AT&T for 14 years get me? A HUGE FIST RIGHT UP THE ASS! Let me explain...

About a week ago my beloved Samsung Galaxy 6S Active just up and died. The screen went black and the lil blue light just kept pulsating until the battery finally died. The poor thing took a week to die. It was a slow and agonizing death. But it finally gave up the ghost. Seeing as I had insurance, I walked my happy ass over to the AT&T store and a claim was filed by the associate lucky enough to take care of your's truly. Seeing as I have sensitive information on the broken phone that I can't access, I was unable to remove said information and I told this chick that I will not be sending the phone back. I had told her to file it as a lost cell phone because the insurance covered lost or stolen cell phones. Well, she did not. Upon receiving my new phone (a REFURBISHED Samsung Galaxy 7S Active) I was billed the $112.00 deductible and I lived happily ever after right? FUCK NO!!!

I received a letter Monday saying that if I don't return the broken phone I will be charge the full retail price of the phone (sans the $112.00 deductible I was already charged) which was $749.00. The replacement phone was a refurbished, obsolete model and these cocksuckers were gonna have a ball making me pay for this piece of shit. So I marched my happy ass back to the AT&T store and talked to another ASSociate. I asked if they can contact Asurion, the insurance provider and resubmit the claim. That's what a friend told me to do because he had a similar situation. The AT&T ASSociate said he couldn't do that and advised me to call Asurion and take it up with them. Well let me tell you, Asurion is the second largest scam business I've ever dealt with! I was hung up on twice, and the third woman who took my call, acted as though I just fucked her daughter on the dining room table in front of her whole family on Easter Sunday and then proceeded to wiped my dick off on the drapes! "You insure your number" I was told. What? Huh? What do I need to insure a phone number for? I can't care less if I get a new number. So I asked what the procedure was when a cell phone is lost. She replied "we send you a new phone but you have to pay the deductible." I said "GREAT! I paid the deductible but why are you going to charge me an additional $682.00 for this refurbished phone?" She replied "well your number is insured, not the device." Again...WHAT HUH? She informed me that in 24 hours an AT&T Recovery ASSociate was going to contact me. Great...I get to deal with more idiots. I went back into the AT&T store and asked if there was something they could do as far as me getting a discounted phone. I'll send back the refurbished replacement phone to Asurion and just buy a new phone. NO DEAL! No discounts, no help, and no appreciation for being loyal to them for 14 years.

I left that fucking store and will never go back. I switched to Verizon and not only did I get a better deal (I'm paying $65.00 less per month) but I now have unlimited data, something AT&T said they no longer do, which turns out to be a lie! I'll keep Verizon until they start the anal sex process all over again. And when they blow their proverbial cell phone load deep in my ass...I'll go to another company. All these cell phone providers will bend over backwards for new customers, but they refuse to help the loyal ones who have been paying their ridiculous data, insurance, and phone fees for years, even decades.

The moral of the story kids? Cell phones are the new racket. They get you coming and going. Some chink kid in China is making these phones for a few bucks and they're being sold for $500, $700, even $1000. And like idiots...we line up like faster than 40 year old fat chicks going to see the New Kids On The Block reunion concert to get them, and to pay through the nose so that we can update our Facebook status, text emojis to our friends, and watch porn in one hand while we pleasure ourselves with the other. So as you enjoy your bald, Asian, midget, tranny porn remember...these cell phone cocksuckers are laughing all the way to the bank and loving every minute of it.

Laissez les bons temps rouler ~ Gus