Guitar Infidelity

We hear about it all the time. That forty something guy that buys a corvette or a motorcycle, has an affair with a 25 year old bar floozy, and starts wearing boat shoes with no socks. He might even leave his wife and family. Yep...it's a midlife crisis. It happens all the time but does it always involve infidelity? I am here to say...it does not. As some may know I am a hell of a guitar/bass player. I enjoy guitars, guns, history, music, fashion, New Orleans cuisine, and beer. I'm happily married with two children and never thought I'd have a midlife crisis. Now I'm not sure that what I'm having is a crisis. I would never cheat on my wife, I don't have the desire to drive a Corvette (my penis is not small), nor do I want to leave my family to pursue some twenty something blonde with huge tits that goes ass to mouth. No...I buy guitars. Lot's and lot's of guitars. I'm a Fender man, and I love Stratocasters, Precision Basses...oh hell...anything Fender makes, who am I kidding. But why? What's missing in my life that I have to fill the void with a New Jimi Hendrix Commemorative Stratocaster, or a Stevie Ray Vaughan Hamiltone guitar? I see them as art. I hang them on walls, play them any chance I get, and just love making then cry and sing. I'm good at it, always was. Seeing as my married life is good, I'm not looking elsewhere. So why do I continue to buy guitars? Well, my name is Gus O'Neil, and I have a problem. I'm not having a midlife crisis, I'm a guitar addict. I'm always looking for that Holy Grail, that perfect Strat, the mother of all Fenders. I'm sure many out there are in the same predicament I am. As soon as you buy one, you start shopping for the next one as soon as you get home. It never stops. NEVER! If I had the money I'd have even more. I try and live within my means and being a guitar addict doesn't make that easy.

Imagine if you will, you walk into the music store and there she is, a natural blonde, with a beautiful neck, beautiful curves, feels great in your hands (yes I'm still talking about guitars) and you just have to have her. You'll stop at nothing. You'll even lie to your wife about her. Sneak her in the house and finger her while your wife is asleep in the next room. It feels so good and so wrong because your wife doesn't know about it. There's that potential to get caught in the act, but that's the rush! You spend more and more time with her and then your wife starts asking questions. "What were you doing up so late?" You have to be quick with your answer, "Oh...watching the History Channel". She buys it at first but eventually you get careless and sloppy. Then the day comes when you're standing there, holding her close to you, and BAM! Your wife gets out of work early and catches you with her. "Where did you get that guitar?" she asks. You tell her you borrowed it, traded it, or your friend gave it to you to fix for him. Now you're caught. You feel guilty and playing that guitar no longer has the rush it once had. Sneaking around, the thrill of the adventure, and that rewarding feeling everytime you get away with it. Your busted. So now you're back to laying in bed watching Mr. Belvedere reruns until you and the wife fall asleep. {sigh}

Is all that I mentioned above cheating? Is this a midlife crisis after all? Is that blonde Stratocaster just a euphemism for a young blonde bar floozy? Of course it's not cheating you dip shits! Well unless your humping that blonde Stratocaster and finishing all over it. At which point you've really fucked with the resale value because jizz leaves streaks. Didn't you see Clerks??? So don't let your wife make you feel guilty when you're spending time with the other love of your life. Simply tell her this, "You have two options my dear. I can play/buy guitars, or I can get a 22 year old girlfriend. I'm doing one of those two so you pick which one." And I think that sums it up nicely. Keep playing, keep buying and don't buy a Corvette.

Laissez les bons temps rouler ~ Gus

***The above statement only applies to Fender products and cheap Fender knock offs. It does not apply to Gibson, PRS, or any other of the gay guitars out there. Except SG's and Flying V's. those have a pass you cocksuckers. Gus O'Neil is not endorsed or affiliated with Fender Musical Instruments, but he should be. He's bought enough of their shit!***