R.I.P. Star Wars 1977 - 2005

A long time ago. In a galaxy far, far away...STAR WARS WASN'T OWNED BY DISNEY AND DIDN'T SUCK!!! There I said it. Star Wars sucks now. The original three movies are icons of cinematic history. Then came the prequels that most hated, but I tend to like. At least it told a new and interesting story, it took chances. Are they flawed? Yes. But they are nowhere near as shit smelling as the Bantha crap that Disney is releasing now.

Rewind to 1977. Lil' Gus was 4 years old and with his dad at the theater. I didn't really know what I was going to see. My dad said it was a space movie and I was on board. I'll never forget it, I sat to his left side, wide eyed as I stared at the text scrolling up. My Dad read that now legendary opening line, "A long time ago. In a galaxy far, far away." Till this day when I see/read that I hear it in his voice. Then as Princess Leia's ship was swallowed by the Star Destroyer I remember feeling a bit scared. Then as the Rebels lined up down the hallway, waiting for Imperial forces to board their ship, I remember sort of leaning into my dad's side, nervous, and unsure of what was about to happen. Then the door was blown open and the Stormtroopers came through blasters blazing! My jaw dropped, my eyes bugged out and from that day forward I wanted to be a Stormtrooper (until I saw Boba Fett three years later). Then...it happened. The most scared I ever was at any movie. Darth Vader made his entrance. He was mysterious, dark, powerful, all before he uttered a single word. I remember grabbing my dad as he put his arm around me and laughed bit. It's a moment I'll never forget as long as I live. And a moment I remember more often these days as I see the diluted, Disneyfied versions of a once great movie franchise.

1980 brought us Empire Strikes Back and once again, it was magical. I was seven then and ditched my desire to be a Stormtrooper and sought to be the baddest Bounty Hunter in the Galaxy. Boba Fett was the ultimate scoundrel. Hell, even Vader was nice to him! Then we saw the Return of the Jedi in 1983. I was leary of the fucking ewoks, and still not really fond of them. But I always sided with the Imperials so a bunch of midgets in muppet suits with sticks and rocks defeating the all powerful Empire never sat well with me.

Then we started seeing Lucas ass fuck his beautiful movies with shit tons of CGI, added scenes not once, but three different times! There are four versions of "A New Hope" for Christ sake! FOUR! You were still a "nerd" back then if you liked Star Wars. And not the lovable "nerd" moniker of today. You were beat, made fun of, and humiliated if you dressed as a Star Wars character on any day but Halloween. So you had to be careful. You think Ann Frank had it bad? Pffft. I had to hide my Star Wars toys in my attic and hope I was never discovered playing with them at the age of 12.

Then the buzz started. "Lucas is going to do the first three movies!" Holy shit...the nerds went nuts. But now the "nerds" were a bit more mainstream. Almost proud of the fact that they haven't seen the inside of a vagina since they passed through their mother's. By then, my Star Wars toys were collecting dust. I had aspirations to be a guitar God, played in bands, had my share of women, and was newly married with a new born baby boy. Baby Gus, as he was often referred to. So I saw the new movies with my son. He loved them. They were his Star Wars movies. And though they were flawed, I enjoyed them because it reminded me of when I was a kid with my dad at the theater. And I saw the joy and excitement that they brought Baby Gus.

Well Baby Gus is almost 21 now. And when A Farce Awakens was released last year I was very, very skeptical about it. Disney had purchased Star Wars and was about to ass rape it harder and deeper than George Lucas ever dreamed possible. I knew that the first time I saw footage of Vader and Stormtroopers dancing at Disney World, the end was near. That was a few decades ago and it turned that once evil, all powerful Lord of the Sith into a dancing monkey for everyone to laugh at. Vader was now Bantha fodder.

So The Farce Awakens was released. I went. And I was disgusted, mad, and bored all at the same time. It's a fucking remake/reboot of A New Hope. Another Death Star? Really? Desert planet, plans hidden in a fucking droid...AGAIN. And the only one who didn't know Han Solo was about to die on that catwalk was HAN FUCKING SOLO! Kylo Ren was terrible. There was more power and evil in Vader's last ejaculation than Kylo could ever dream of having. He was so bad it was laughable. That was the last Star Wars movie I saw or ever will see at a Theater.

Then Rouge One was released. I saw it only this past summer on Demand. I fell asleep it was so fucking boring and predictable. We all know the people that got the plans died. They told us that in A New Hope. None of the characters were even likable. I wanted them all to die. Then we get CGI Leia and Tarkin. And a really pissed off Darth Vader. The pissed off Vader was the only good thing about that movie. Unfortunately you have to wade through a shit swamp the size of Degobah in order to get that one nugget or classic Star Wars.

So with the hype of The Last Jedi I decided I would not see it. I might not ever see it. More of the old characters will be killed and Disney will introduce more of their Princesses into the Star Wars universe. The rebels have become this perfect, diverse, all encompassing utopia of characters. While the Evil Empire are white males that are set on ruling over the galaxy and oppressing everyone. Star Wars is now an agenda driven vehicle of Hollywood and dead to me. I'll take the original three and the prequels and be on my merry way. I read the Timothy Zahn books way back when and those were incredible. I had hope that Disney would have went that route. But no, they slid that little mouse dick balls deep into the movies that defined my childhood and didn't even spit on it or give the courtesy of a reach around.

I posted the meme featured at the top of this blog on a few social media outlets. The masses went crazy. "How can you post a spoiler like that?" Truth of the matter, I don't know that it's what happens in the movie. I was guessing and just trying to make a funny meme. So somebody please tell me if I'm right. I have no desire to give the mouse any more of my money. I've moved on and will remember Star Wars the way it was. The way it appeared to me at the tender age of four years old, in that theater, larger than life on the silver screen. Thanks for nothing Mickey!

Laissez les bons temps rouler ~ Gus